Why most people should never write about pickup!

So I was reading some news sites today when I came over a link to this article (go read it)…

Done? Good. If you didn’t notice that entire article was pretty much a stinking pile of dog poo, it is obviously written from a misandric perspective. I have another article from that site that is equally bad but I won’t bother even linking it since it is equally horrid. Instead I will rant on about my feelings on this article.

Recently, Clarisse Thorn admirably tried to pick through the sewage strewn all over “pickup artist” (PUA) communities and find a handful of gems that could be plucked out and proffered to the socially awkward man who finds that he’s not getting laid as often as he’d like. (To which I say, who is?) Clarisse is less cynical than I am on this issue; I think the PUA mentality is too toxic to be polished into something non-misogynist. Even in its best forms, it’s still based on the sexist model of dating where women are selling and men are buying, an inherently sexist model that poisons even the occasional glimpses of common sense.

Basically she opens the entire article by saying “I know nothing about the PUA community as a whole, I have just read a few misogynistic sites and I assume everyone is like this”. What a promising start… let’s see what other gems lie hidden in this article shall we,

PUA communities spend a lot of time disparaging women with words like “shallow,” “gold-digger,” and “childish,” for having what they deem to be incorrect desires

The PUA model of dating is one where men are buying and women are selling, and therefore men’s job is to try to get as much sex out of women for as little a “price” as possible.

Congratulations, you found a website about MM or some other bullshit method and decided that everyone in the community follow the same ideals. You know I heard about some muslim extremists that committed terrorism, that means that … no, just no. Don’t even want to go there that is how retarded this is. But let’s read on, what else did this woman find out during her hour of skimming through PUA sites.

Make a list of traits you’re looking for in a woman.

Woo she managed to find some of the most pointless advice possible for beginners. Let’s see where she goes with this.

How much do you resemble the person you just listed? It doesn’t have to be across the board, but if you have little in common with the imaginary woman you conjured up, you have a problem. Like attracts like.

Alright, I will give you this round. That actually does make a little sense (but still not necessary), so where do you plan to go with this?

If you like women who spend a lot of time on their bodies or women who keep really nice house, why not hit the gym or pick up the mop yourself? If you want a self-starter or an independent woman, find ways to be more proactive and independent yourself.

Ok still fairly decent, while it is not 100% necessary it can make things a lot easier for you. Well the workout and body comment that is. Spending time on your body and looking your best is never good. But mopping your house? … But anyway, go on.

Or you may not be able to achieve it, as is the case for men who want to date much younger women. In these cases, I advise that you either rethink your desires or accept that you’re likely to have a lonely existence. Not that you have to be identical to women you find attractive, but you’ll do better if you have similar priorities. You can’t expect women to put time and energy into her looks or profession or home or even sense of humor and expect nothing in return from men she dates.

And she fucking drops the ball completely. What attracts is subjective and attraction comes down to a lot more than just being similar. I will give her that some of her points are kind of valid, but the big problem here is that she leaves out so much important information.

Even if you are not perfect you can still get the partner of your dreams, both men and women have proven this over and over again. How often don’t you see a guy who is nothing like his girlfriend, heck I am living proof of this. Being a hardcore gamer, into heavy metal and not in the best shape I got a girlfriend who is 7 years younger than me, extremely attractive and are not interested at all in most of my hobbies. The reason we connected was because first of all I took some initiative to make it happen, secondly we have very similar personalities that go well together.

Ack I don’t want to go into all the things that is wrong with what she said so let’s move on, let’s see if there are any more gems in this article.

Develop real self-confidence.

Oh crap, just the header of this section makes me afraid for what is to come.

Pickup artists are right that confidence is sexy, but where they mislead is claiming confidence can be gained through simple social tricks. I’m skeptical; hiding your feelings of inadequacy behind tricks probably just reinforces the sense that the real you can’t be good enough.

Ah you are skeptical, well did you go out and try this? You know this thing that has been tested by ten thousands of men who flirted with millions of girls? No? Well I guess what you say is more correct than the experience of ten thousands of people who actually took the time to test it.

The rest of that section is actually pretty good but then she finishes off with this,

So there’s my entry into the art of non-sexist dating advice, though I maintain a healthy skepticism that it’s not a lack of good dating advice that drives self-styled nice guys into the arms of pickup artists. But I’m always happy to be proved wrong.

Thank you for your shitty submission, now please leave dating advice to people who actually know what they are talking about and who spent more than one hour looking into it before cooking up a half assed article.

The problem is not the lack of non-sexist dating advice, the problem is that the author of such dating advice never get the full picture. Most of the time they never understand how things work in reality, particularly girls writing advice for guys based on their own experiences. Sorry girls, but all girls are not like you. Maybe if you spent time picking up a lot of different girls and tried out things to figure out what works most of the time and what doesn’t. Or if you at the very least took some time to study the subject and other peoples experiences (beyond your friends) on the subject. But proclaiming your view on how guys should pick you up as the ultimate truth is just stupid.

Another thing to realize is that sexist is a very fluent term and what is sexist for one person is not necessarily sexist for others. And a lot of the advice that actually works for males is going to sound extremely sexist, particularly when the reader pulls everything to the extreme. But you have to remember that sometimes that advice would be exactly the same for gay men or women trying to attract men. It is not always sexism, sometimes it is just how humans work and we need to accept that it does not fit with the loving, caring, let’s all be friends world view that some people have.

One good example is being dominant and taking charge. Some people (particularly feminists) find the idea of men taking charge and being dominant as horribly offensive. Then they pull out the example of how one guy at some point didn’t care about what she was feeling and instead just did what he wanted. Yet being dominant is almost never bad when attracting or turning on women, that is if you know how to be dominant.

And finally the thing that every single fucking advice column written by people who are not into pickup does wrong is that they focus on the wrong things. Making a list of what you want in a partner will not help you out as much as many of the way more productive things you could do. At best it is a waste of time at worst it can confuse you and be counterproductive.

I agree that there is a lot of shitty advice out there, but dismissing an entire community because you took thirty minutes to read up on a small subset of that community is presumptuous at best.

So please for anyone reading this, unless you have at least a year or two of actual pickup experience don’t try to write advice for other people. By experience I actually mean going out and practicing what you are going to write about, not just reading about it.

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One Response to Why most people should never write about pickup!

  1. Pingback: Let’s talk about pickup | The DarkHorse Guide to Practical Happiness

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